My chickens continue to delight and frustrate me. I gave away two of my chicks, as they turned out to be roosters. The third, so far, is androgynous. I acquired three new hens and the bantams are brooding again. In an effort to get them off the haystack where Frances lays her daily egg, one is sitting on a plastic Easter egg and the other is sitting on a rubber ball. The things I’ve learned about chickens!
My garden has developed so much in a year and I continue to expand it. I positively LOVE my garden bathtub and taking moonlight soaks. Chrissy’s husband is my new hero and thanks to him I have digitally transferred my entire CD collection to my computer. I sold my seven-year-old deck on eBay for $220 and on my next trip to the city, I plan to sell all my CDs to Amoeba Records and be finished with the clutter. The virtual age is so cool!!!!
WORK + WEALTH
Three different people called me about work last week—should I take that as a sign? Still struggling to figure this out. I am determined to make work fit into a balanced whole, NOT commandeer my life. I am also determined to earn and accrue more than enough money for my needs and desires. I recognize that I need to uncover and clear some mental-emotional relationship I feel toward money—I truly believe it manifests negative outcomes or at least inhibits positive ones.
I am attending a real estate workshop this Friday night on making money buying and selling fixer-uppers. I still believe this might be a fit for me. I have also been looking into how to expand my knowledge of gardening. I want to eventually grow all my own produce; I am interested in the politics of food as something I’d like to write about; and part of my vision for investing in real estate is to focus on landscaping.
I really want to write. I want to be a successful, published writer, and still I find myself battling all manner of subconscious fears and doubts that sabotage my efforts before I even begin. For every idea I consider, I index a hundred reasons why it won’t work, or why I wouldn’t really want it to.
I recently assumed the role of Jordan’s business manager. I’m doing this because I truly want to be involved in his business and his life. I am not content in a relationship that doesn’t actively share common interests and a common pursuit. This decision comes with challenges, but I think that’s okay. It pushes us both to work on our communication. And of course, open to outcome and not attached; if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.
My relationship with Jordan continues to feel good. His total depletion of energy—physical and emotional—during the harvest marathon adds a challenging dimension, but we are both mindful of it and making an extra effort. Jordan’s response and continued commitment to me and making our relationship work is allowing me to embrace and love him more deeply, to be vulnerable. Letting go of my opinions and expectations and truly seeing what’s there is such an interesting and challenging process. Something I need to continually remind myself to do. I’ve been struggling with John as well. He is neither all good or all bad and that confounds me. He called today to wish me a happy birthday and we enjoyed a nice conversation. He can be a very caring, generous person, and he can be a total jerk. Non-attachment—it’s so hard!! No grasping, no aversion; just being with what is.
I miss my community. I feel disconnected and almost resent new friends—I fear that somehow by building new friendships here I will displace the friends I share so much history with. I made finding new ways to feel connected with old friends an intention for my new year.
My parents are coming to visit in two weeks and I can not wait to have them here. I miss my family and love the opportunity for them to see and be part of my life.
I lost an easy 7-8 pounds on my self-created “slow food” regimen. Absolutely no grazing between meals and I mindfully chew and swallow one bite at a time. Revolutionary! I have been running with harvest and all bets are off, but I feel comfortable knowing that I have a simple way to feel good about my body.
That said, I can not seem to successfully jumpstart a regular exercise program, despite truly believing in this and wanting it. I think I am going to have to find a yoga class and reestablish a practice with the benefit of external discipline. I REALLY want to have a strong, flexible, healthy body and don’t understand why, when exercise feels so good, is it so hard to stick to.
Last week I helped out some friends relabel umpteen cases of wine. Both of their mothers came and we spent nine hours peeling, sticking and talking. I was dead tired from standing on my feet on a cement warehouse floor for nine hours—and totally enlivened! Both women are in their sixties and bad ass. We talked about everything under the sun and I soaked up their wisdom and ways.