It’s another month where I don’t really have anything pressing to share or discuss. I feel this reflects my continued success (with effort) of keeping life simple. A continued effort to live by the mantra: “The wise man desires nothing; he does not judge, he makes no plans, he keeps his mind open and his heart at peace.”
Different anxieties and yearnings pop up throughout the month, but one-by-one I address each, let it go and come back to the present. I was frustrated by a gradual change in my eating habits. My recurring lack of discipline was making me incredibly grumpy until I realized that I was defeating myself by focusing on too big of a picture: thinking in terms of weeks, months, forever. As soon as I brought my eating down to one meal at a time, and that’s all I had to focus on, I was instantly more successful. And when I wasn’t, it was far less frustrating. (Before anyone comments, this isn’t really about body image and weight for me, but about energy and health.) Money, work, my relationship, keeping up with my friendships, taking care of my house, the books I want to read, the projects and activities on my list—everything overwhelms me when I take the long view, but when I bring my focus back to this moment, I lose the anxiety and am ultimately more successful. Not everything gets done or gets done perfectly, but me stressing changes nothing.
Today my challenge is to let go of my desire to fast forward the months and move. I have been sitting with the idea since January of moving to Western Sonoma County to (1) save money, which is my priority this year; (2) be closer to Jordan so that our time together can be more organic and less of a weekly, full-weekend investment; (3) be closer to work; (4) live in the country. Driving home this morning, I realized how much I enjoy the scenery and pace up there. I visualize finding a small, sunny cottage on a beautiful property with fabulous owners and a wonderful garden. Everyone tells me that the rental market there is abysmal, but I’m not daunted easily and have always had good housing karma. I choose to trust that I will score something ideal despite the odds. I have the absolute perfect roommate living with me right now, but the bottom line is that I would prefer not to have a roommate at all. As for timing, my roommate is only staying through May, so I plan to start looking in May, with the intention to move anytime this summer. Since May is three months away, I am trying to stay in the present and appreciate this wonderful place where I live now.
Work continues to go well and to challenge me. I feel that I am gaining invaluable experience and growing weekly in leaps and bounds, which is an amazing feeling. I continue to love the account and project management aspect of my job as much, if not more, than the writing. A balance of both is perfect, though I feel more and more like I have two full-time jobs.
Being with Jordan continues to be a lot of fun and easy, which I credit to Jordan not being a man of many words and me being in a space where I don’t need or want to think too much about anything. Contemplating this move I have naturally thought about the logical implications for our relationship and I find I can’t go there. I simply can’t imagine at this moment in my life ever wanting to live with someone, marry again, or even have children. I love the idea of Jordan living right down the road, but each of us with our own homes and space. Fortunately, time has taught me that feelings, opinions and perspectives change whether you want them to or not, so I am trying to just relax, accept and enjoy how things are now. My life will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Who knows, maybe I won’t ever have a conventional life again. John’s leaving made all options fair game in my mind.