It is 11:30 at night and I’ve been cranking away since 9:00 this morning. I should keep going but I sense my brain turning to mush and recognize that I am reaching my limit. BFD is trying to launch 5 sites by the end of this month—all projects that began last year and for one reason or another are only finally now wrapping up. This is definitely a sprint to the finish line for me and I am doing everything I can to stay balanced through this push—taking short breaks to garden, trying to eat well, exercise, and most importantly, maintain a good attitude and chip away bird by bird. Finishing these sites will be monumental for our business and will allow us to start a new chapter. No mistakes, no experience; no experience, no wisdom. We’ve learned a lot the hard way, which I choose to value as exciting evidence of our progress and opportunity.
Yesterday I lost my cool with John when he lost his cool. I actually got uncharacteristically pissed and had to ask for a timeout (we were on our weekly group conference call). I hung up and balled. I was so tired and John’s comment was the final straw. He called and apologized profusely. My housemate brought me a flower that evening to cheer me up, but what cheered me even more was him asking me if I had changed in the past two years. He said he couldn’t imagine me accommodating or tip toeing around John in our relationship because I clearly don’t take crap from anyone now.
This backlog of work commitments has meant that I have neglected a lot of things in my personal life: family and friends, miscellaneous house projects. I have been willing to let go of a lot of stuff with the faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that after the first of April I will be able to play catch up in my personal life.
I’m busy, I’m learning, I’m having fun and I’m paying my bills—if only just barely. With all the people unemployed in our country, I am very thankful that I can say that. Taking life one day at a time truly seems the only way for me to avoid the paralysis of anxiety.
I am spending too much time away from home and it’s taking a toll. I should not underestimate how important—both satisfying and grounding—tinkering around home is to me. A visit to Copia’s edible garden inspired a flurry of activity in my garden this past week and a long list of garden to dos. I have been thinking a lot about how much I love physical work—cooking, cleaning, gardening—and how those activities, once an obligation, are now considered entitlements. I am trying to find a way to balance my need to be at home, puttering in my house and garden, with my desire to see and spend time with Jordan. I am still trying not to focus on three months from now when I will move up there, but to enjoy the present, even with its logistics.
I started running again and almost immediately began experiencing hip and knee pain, so I returned to practicing yoga. It doesn’t provide me with an aerobic workout, but the flexibility and strength building suit my body. As long as I lead an active lifestyle, I am not going to sweat it for now. I am realizing how much more difficult it is to maintain healthy, balanced eating habits in a relationship. Alone it’s not problem to eat small, healthy portions and keep balanced. Once eating becomes social—it’s A LOT harder.
I’m continuing to enjoy my relationship with Jordan, but not without a lot of soul searching and questioning around the role of a relationship in my life. I’ve come to realize how much I enjoy being independent. Rather than deciding I want or need to be on my own, I am trying to redefine how I want to be in a relationship and what a relationship means to me. My relationship with Jordan is certainly different than either of my previous two relationships, and I am trying to neither judge it or create expectations. Jordan agrees that time is our friend, and I am working at just being present with an open mind and heart.
I loved our conversation last month and I am trying to live by my mantra to trust; be mindful; be strategic.