I apologize for my late check-in. No pressure to read it, but it will be a good exercise for me, and it is certainly an important month and milestone for me to record.
Before leaving in August for a week vacation with my family at our summer house, life was insane. I was working 18 hour days to get everything finished before leaving—and I loved it! I recognize that I don’t always want my life to be a sprint, but once and awhile it feels incredibly exciting and exhilarating. I am still loving work and things only continue to get better and more exciting. I was asked at the last minute to write an introduction to my client’s book on behalf of Robert Mondavi. They needed it turned around that day. Having no time to research Mondavi’s voice, I whipped something up and the publisher loved it. I haven’t actually met the publisher, but he emailed the next day to say that they have lots of work and ask if I would I be interested in seeing their catalog. That, of course, felt great! It also feels good to be running the show. I am realizing how much I love organizing and running a business—equal to, if not greater than, my love of writing.
An old acquaintance called to see if we could get together. I told him I wasn’t free until the end of the month, but he insisted. He came over on the pretext of wanting to talk about work, but his agenda shifted and he started groping me instead. I think I expected as much. I’ve felt no desire to kiss anyone, and it’s been awkward turning people down, so I decided to give in and get it over with. I felt absolutely nothing which launched me into an emotional tailspin. It made me acknowledge that I hadn’t fully processed my sexual grief and fears around intimacy and abandonment since John left. There had been so much to focus on just to survive.
The amazing time I spent with my family only compounded my feelings of sadness at having lost the person I shared them with. My family is such a huge part of who I am and my life that whoever I am with in the future has to fit in or I’m not interested. That’s a tall order and my most important criteria. I came back from vacation and spent a week crying. For labor day I went to Los Angeles to visit friends and it was the change of scenery I needed to move forward again. When I returned, I was ready for my anniversary. Karen joined me on Sunday the 8th for a meditation retreat at Spirit Rock. On the 10th, I spontaneously called my groping friend, having decided the best thing I could do for myself on my anniversary was get laid, and who better than someone you know, and you know isn’t going to form an attachment. It was exactly what I needed. I have no interest in repeating the experience, nor any regrets. I feel peaceful again.
I feel content about my birthday tomorrow and this coming year. The past year was incredible, all things considered. I expect this coming year to hold even more in store for me. I can not adequately express how thankful I am for the cataclysmic events that have profoundly changed me and my approach to life. It is like the quote that John used to have hanging on our door.
“Come to the edge he said. No, we will fall. Come to the edge he beckoned. No we will fall. Come to the edge. They came. He pushed them, and they flew.”
I feel as though I was pushed off the edge only to discover my wings.