33. Forgiveness

Hmmm. I think of the lengthy check-ins I’ve written and now when something truly is happening in my life, I have little or no desire to write.

 

I’ve been very happy and very busy. I’ve thrown myself into my work and am loving it. This weekend, however, I slowed down and a torrent of emotions rushed in. John and I were married Thanksgiving weekend and I would be having our baby soon if I hadn’t miscarried in May. John thoughtlessly scanned a photo of his new girlfriend on my scanner a couple of weeks ago. I saw the picture and asked who she was. At the time, he told me that she was a good friend of his friend Amy’s and that Amy had asked him to scan the photo. Last night we were talking and I asked the name of his girlfriend so that I didn’t have to keep referring to her as “his girlfriend.” He told me her name hesitantly and I instantly recognized it as the woman in the photo, which also means she was in his camp at Burning Man. He once again promised that he did not begin dating her until recently and that nothing happened at Burning Man. But was he attracted to her then? I guess I will never know. He said he hadn’t meant for me to see the photo. Of course, it’s still on my computer and I instantly went back and checked it out.

 

I am happy and I don’t want John back, but it still hurts. We went for ice cream and a walk in the city last night and had a nice time. I wish he were all bad and I could think he was insane, but he’s not. My sense of religion (which I have no idea what that is) means that I forgive John. My mother’s words come back to me: “Those who are hardest to love, need love the most.” I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt me; he was hurting and acted to escape his own pain the only way he knew how. I may not approve, but I am not in his shoes, and furthermore, I don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t adore me and who is anything less than completely committed to me and our relationship.

 

I am worried about Christmas and having two weeks of time on my hands at my parents’ to think. Right now I prefer to stay busy.