24. Pregnant

I am pregnant. I see the nurse practitioner tomorrow. Once I know there is a heartbeat I will feel infinitely better, although I am already letting down my guard and feeling excited. My period did not come Monday. I had been spotting a small amount since the previous Wednesday, something I never do. I didn’t feel pregnant and I wasn’t anxiously awaiting to find out as with past months. I’ve been both busy and happy. I bought a pregnancy test on my way home from yoga. It had been a challenging yoga for me both physically and emotionally. When I got home and went to the bathroom I had begun bleeding. I don’t remember whether I cried. That night at two in the morning I woke to go to the bathroom and the bleeding had stopped. I returned to bed wondering if I might be pregnant after all. At six, I popped out of bed and took a test downstairs while I fed the cat. Two lines. I went back upstairs and woke John to tell him.


I proceeded to feel both excited and incredibly anxious. I called the doctor’s office to ask about the spotting. They ordered a blood test and I waited an eternity for the results. The nurse said they were low and ordered a second test. I woke that morning with a violent head cold, feeling miserable. The nurse advised not taking any medication to be safe. With our client deadline looming, I felt emotionally, physically and mentally swamped. I began to bleed. I cried this time, disappointed to finally be pregnant only to miscarry again. In my frustration, my head throbbing twice as badly from crying, I took nose drops, extra strength Tylenol and made myself a cup of coffee. I stopped bleeding. The second numbers did not go up like they should and the doctor ordered me to take another test first thing Saturday morning. The wait all day Saturday was agonizing. Work kept me busy, but when the hour drew near, my chest got tight and my breathing difficult. Finally at five, the doctor’s office called with my numbers. “Is that good?” The doctor’s reply: “That’s great, keep doing what you’re doing and make an appointment to come in.” Each day that my breasts feel sore and the spotting reduces I feel more excited. Every morning and evening I say a loving kindness prayer for this baby.


Our work with our counselor has been so powerful. I have never felt so connected to John and hopeful about my own life and our life together. I am able to relax and let life unfold. I came across a quote in the book Native Speaker that’s become my mantra: “Over the mountain, there are mountains.” I say this along with saying thank you for everything; I have no complaints.


The interesting thing about this pregnancy is the way it began. On the 20th of March, eight days after the first day of my last period, I felt like I must be fertile. I was wet with mucus and smelled pungent right after showering. I remember saying to John it’s as if my body were trying to help us. We made love that afternoon. Later in meditation class, Ann, Annie and Barbara were discussing the temperature. They asked how I felt and I said I was warm. Like them, I am always cold. Ann and Annie immediately asked if I was pregnant. I replied not that I know of. They asked if I was trying. Then both got excited and started saying that I was glowing. I said it would be too soon, and they insisted that they thought I was pregnant. It was intense.


I am ready to be a mother and excited. I am nervous. I am happy. I feel peaceful. My life right now feels good. I am not stressing about getting to the top of this mountain, for I finally understand that the only thing on the other side is another mountain.