25. Disowning my Own Expertise

One note of business before my check-in, if anyone has ideas or thoughts about our “owning your expertise” exercise please let me know so that I can incorporate them into my plan.

 

WORK

Thank you all for your support last month. The site is launched and it feels like a profound accomplishment. From Mind Over Media to Creative Identity to WineShopper, this is the first creative thing I have produced that has successfully made it out into the world. I can not tell you how powerful this experience feels for me. I’ve done a lot of work that I am proud of, but for many reasons, this is the first thing to commercially succeed. I realize now that this, not the fact that I work for myself and don’t have traditional experience, is the issue that corrodes my confidence. I have tried to birth a number of creative projects and ideas in the world and they have all been stillbirths and miscarriages.

 

With this tangible accomplishment under my belt—even if it’s only one—I feel more confident and relaxed. The slow-down economy, the home life John and I have been leading these past few months, our incredible work in therapy—I feel as though a profound shift has happened in me. Over the mountain, there are mountains. This mythical mountain I’ve been struggling to conquer is in fact my life, and it’s really not so bad.

 

After months of delays, I finally met with the History Curator at the Oakland Museum and I’m in!! The vision is a 10,000-square-foot exhibit that will take the better part of three years to curate. There are only three people currently working on the project and none of them have oral history experience, so the plan is that I will get paid as a consultant to help them collect oral histories. (The superstitious, anxious version of me has to qualify that statement with: if everything works out. It happened so easily and seems too good to be true.) I am super thrilled for this opportunity. Their budget won’t actually come through until the beginning of July, but in the meantime I have volunteered to attend their Friday planning meetings so that I can get involved immediately and get acquainted with the project. Last Friday I watched a documentary video with them and had a total panic attack that they think I know more about oral history than I actually do, and they’ll think I misrepresented myself. Owning your own expertise—something I definitely do not do!

 

I can’t wait to gain new confidence in the company of five women I consider immensely bright and talented!

 

p.s. I am loving our weather! I luxuriously gave myself permission to work in my garden this morning and even just a little bit of work weeding, digging in the dirt and moving plants around makes me feel elated.