The following are thoughts and events I want to record and reflect on, but not share. When John walked out there was so much to process—fear, grief, loneliness, rejection, betrayal, embarrassment. I realize now how systematically I dealt with the crisis. I tabled whatever I could and took on only the most threatening emotions—the ones that could have easily overwhelmed me and made me lose my bearing, my sense of self. I was after all just barely emerging from miscarrying again and an intense battle with anxiety and depression. I was already struggling not to lose myself.
One of the emotions or fears I remember clearly addressing almost from day one was the idea of being single and whether or not, or how, I would find a new companion someday. With complete conviction, I told myself that was a fear I could set aside. I believed without a shadow of a doubt, (or told myself I believed, which amounts to the same thing), that when the time was right I would meet the right person, fall in love and even someday marry again. I also told myself that it would not happen until a year had passed, perhaps longer, but at a minimum a year.
During this year, I have dated some with depressing and discouraging results. Most of the single people I’ve met are power dating and a date feels more like an interview than an open-ended experience. That’s not who I am or how I roll. I am content with myself and I trust that by taking care of the present—by being present—life will bring me what I need. Two weeks to the year, I spent my first day helping Jordan with harvest. I had such an incredible time; was amazed by his smile and enthusiasm. I felt totally confused by feelings that took me entirely by surprise. I left his place the next morning bewildered. Was what I thought I felt really true? Had I read him right? Was he really interested in me? Had my own feelings been growing there all along but I hadn’t been ready to see them? What about how great I feel flying solo? Will I lose all that if I let myself fall for someone? Will a relationship displace the things I’ve come to treasure or add to the richness of my life? Will I, could I, continue to be the “fearless leader of my own parade?” If I remain calm and listen to my heart it all seems very clear and natural; certain. My head, of course, can do a doozy muddling things; tallying a balance sheet; doubting. I even asked John for advice, having no one else to turn to since Jordan is a mutual friend of most of my friends. John thinks Jordan is great and thinks he’s perfect for me. Someone who values space as I do. He’s smart, athletic, focused, thoughtful, shares my interest in wine and food; we share the same community of friends and a shared history. All that and the absence of drama. No over analyzing or excessive conversation. I’ve come to realize how much I enjoy the silence of just being present in the moment. That perhaps is the biggest shift in my life. No internal chatter, no external chatter, no drama. No need to analyze and continually recount the past or discuss the future.
My hands are not grasping the rope. It is what it is and nothing is required of me. I don’t need to worry or even think about what tomorrow or the next day might hold. I don’t need to worry about how I feel, I just need to feel and follow my heart one moment at a time. Nor do I need to try to impress Jordan or sell myself in any way. I have no need to convince anyone of anything. I’m free and plan to just enjoy whatever unfolds. To let this experience be just one layer, one gift, in my life which is full of rich and varied beauty.